Advice columnist Dear Abby tackled three reader dilemmas this week, from a $4,200 loan that a former friend now ignores to a grieving brother's birthday that relatives say should already be behind him. The column, published by the New York Post on October 16, 2026, drew a blunt conclusion on the money question: treat any loan to a friend as a gift from the start.
The letters arrived as household financial strain keeps pushing people toward informal lending among family and friends, a practice that rarely comes with contracts, interest terms or repayment plans. Dear Abby's answer, written by Jeanne Phillips under the pen name Abigail Van Buren, suggests a simple rule that could spare many readers a costly lesson.
The $4,200 loan a friend will not discuss
The first letter, signed REGRETFUL LENDER, describes a sequence that began about a year ago. A friend's husband had left the country to renew his work visa, and while he was away the family's car was repossessed. With children at home and no way to reach her job, the woman borrowed $3,000 to recover the vehicle. A few months later she asked for another $1,200.
Her husband has since returned, both spouses are working, and the family recently took the children on a trip to Florida, according to the letter. Yet the lender's text messages about the $4,200 owed have been met with silence.
Dear Abby's response was unsparing on both sides. The lender should have written the money off mentally the moment it left her hands.
When a friend asks for money, it's rarely a loan. You should always consider it a gift, and be pleasantly surprised if they ever pay it back.
The columnist called the friend's behavior inexcusable while acknowledging the good deed itself: the money saved a family in distress. The silence that followed, Dear Abby wrote, is the repayment the lender received.
What the advice means for informal lending
The letter illustrates a structural problem rather than a personal one. Money lent between friends sits outside any legal or institutional framework, which makes it cheap to request and easy to avoid discussing later. An auto lender can repossess a car; a friend can only send a text that goes unanswered.
For readers who face similar requests, the practical takeaway from the column is to decide in advance what amount could be given away without resentment. Anything above that figure requires documentation, a repayment schedule or a refusal. The alternative is what the letter writer now describes: sadness, a four-figure loss and a friendship that appears to have ended by indifference rather than argument.
Grief has no deadline, Dear Abby tells Alaska reader
The second letter, signed PROCESSING IT IN ALASKA, comes from a reader who lost a brother last year to a brain aneurysm. The two were close, and the reader spent the brother's birthday this month honoring his memory. Other family members, however, have said the reader should be over it by now.
Dear Abby rejected the premise of their complaint outright. Grief does not work like an illness that clears up after a set number of days.
When a loved one dies, the pain of that loss can remain with us to a greater or lesser degree as we adjust to the ache we feel inside. This doesn't happen on anyone else's timetable.
The columnist suggested a grief support group as a possible next step, a resource many readers overlook even when it is available locally or online. The advice aligns with what bereavement counselors have long argued: mourning is an adjustment process, not a scheduled recovery, and pressure from relatives often deepens the isolation rather than speeding it up.
Should an ex from 10 years ago get a second chance?
The third letter, signed STAYING IN FRIEND ZONE, raises a different kind of risk. The reader was dumped by a man more than a decade ago, and the two have stayed in contact for the past four years while she has been in a stable relationship with someone else. The ex is going through a divorce and has told her he regrets losing her.
Dear Abby's answer leaned toward protecting what the reader already has. Second chances are sometimes worth the risk, the columnist wrote, but not in this case, because the reader's current relationship is described as good.
He was no good for you then, and he can only cause trouble now.
The recommended course of action was distance: as little contact with the ex as possible, before a renewed entanglement damages a relationship that works.
About the column
Dear Abby was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips and has been written for nearly four decades by her daughter, Jeanne Phillips. Readers can reach the column through DearAbby.com or by post at P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127, according to the New York Post.
FAQ
How much money did the friend fail to repay?
The letter writer lent $3,000 to recover a repossessed car and another $1,200 a few months later, for a total of $4,200 that remains unpaid.
What does Dear Abby advise about lending money to friends?
The columnist recommends treating any money given to a friend as a gift from the moment it leaves your hands, and considering repayment a pleasant surprise rather than an expectation.
Is there a normal time limit for grieving a sibling?
No. Dear Abby writes that grief follows no one else's timetable, and suggests joining a grief support group for readers who are struggling.
Did Dear Abby encourage the reader to reunite with her ex?
No. Because the reader is in a good relationship with someone else, the columnist advised keeping contact with the ex to a minimum.