Communications and goal-setting coach Loide Nantinda has published a book on the emotional labour women carry in their friendships, arguing that one-sided effort is a quiet driver of exhaustion for many Namibian women. The Open Hand: The Art of Reciprocity, Grace and the Courage to Be Still in Friendships was featured by The Namibian on 1 November.
The book examines why so many women, whatever their age or professional success, end up hosting friendships rather than participating in them, and what it costs them.
Why one Namibian coach turned friendship fatigue into a book
Nantinda says the idea grew out of two sources at once: her own friendships and her coaching practice, where she works mostly with groups of women. Over the years a clear pattern emerged. Women who were thriving in their careers were nonetheless carrying emotional burdens from strained relationships, unspoken disagreements and friendships that survived only because one person kept pushing.
Some women become so used to being the one who checks in, organises gatherings and smooths over conflict that they no longer notice the entire weight of the friendship has landed on them, she says. Society tends to read that effort as loyalty. Nantinda reads it as a route to resentment.
She put the problem bluntly in an interview with The Namibian:
I wrote this book for every woman who is tired of hosting friendships instead of participating in them.
What 'the open hand' means
The title is a metaphor for a specific stance toward other people. Nantinda describes the open hand as emotional maturity and trust, the willingness to let relationships develop naturally rather than gripping them out of fear of losing them. Holding on too tightly, she argues, is often driven by the fear of loss, and that fear itself blocks the balanced connection a person is trying to secure.
An open hand also means letting friends choose how they participate, instead of appointing yourself the permanent manager of every relationship.
The courage to be still
The book's second core idea is what Nantinda calls the courage to be still. She is careful to define it: stillness is not going silent, becoming distant or abandoning anyone. It is recognising when you have been making all the effort and then stepping back long enough for the other person to have room to contribute.
Constant initiating, she says, can hide an imbalance. The person who always texts first never learns whether the friendship would survive on shared effort alone.
When you feel that familiar panic whispering, 'If you don't reach out, this friendship is going to slip away,' holy stillness invites you to take your hands off the steering wheel.
Stillness is not an excuse to cut people off
Nantinda stresses that the book does not tell women to end friendships over every disagreement. It promotes patience, mutual respect and healthy boundaries instead. The skill she wants readers to build is discrimination: telling apart a friend who is genuinely in a hard season and cannot show up, from one who could contribute and repeatedly chooses not to.
That distinction matters, because a friend, by definition, is someone attached to you by affection or esteem, and affection that flows in only one direction eventually stops functioning as friendship at all.
The author's own reckoning
Writing the book forced Nantinda to audit her own behaviour. The hardest part, she admits, was seeing how often she had taken responsibility for maintaining relationships, believing it was her duty to fill every gap left by absent others.
The process taught her self-compassion and a lesson she now repeats to readers: your value as a person does not depend on how much you do for others.
It taught me that stepping back isn't an act of abandonment, but an act of profound courage.
Who the book is for
Nantinda names her audience precisely: women who default to the roles of caregiver, organiser and supporter in their families and friendship circles. They are the ones who remember birthdays, make sure nobody is left out and stay available at all hours, often at their own emotional expense. Her hope is that they will conclude they deserve the same care they dispense so freely.
The early response suggests the message has landed. Several women who read the manuscript told her the book gave language to an exhaustion they had struggled to name, and others described relief at realising they were not contractually bound to carry their friendships single-handedly.
What comes next
Nantinda says The Open Hand is only her first step as an author. She plans further books on personal growth, emotional well-being, intentional living and meaningful relationships, with the broader aim of opening public conversation about healthy friendship and women's need to protect their own well-being while still showing love to others.
Frequently asked questions
What is Loide Nantinda's book about?
The Open Hand examines why women so often carry the full responsibility for maintaining friendships, and argues for reciprocity, boundaries and the courage to step back from one-sided effort.
What does 'the courage to be still' mean?
It means pausing your own effort long enough to see whether a friendship survives on mutual contribution, without abandoning or going silent on the other person.
Does the book tell women to end friendships?
No. Nantinda says it promotes patience and healthy boundaries, and asks readers to distinguish friends going through genuine hardship from those who could contribute but repeatedly choose not to.